Bun in the oven

Had my girlfriend scanned for life-forms today, and here's the result. Somewhat worringly, my offspring bears an uncanny resemblance to a certain Johnny Blaze:

Silence of the Fish

Made a gruesome discovery in the fishtank yesterday, or rather Donna did. Seems one of her two fantail goldfish was missing several vital organs - basically he was a head, tail and ribcage. The other fish was still swimming about 'like nothing's happened' (I think he was actually whistling).

A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver...

Dentistry

So yeah, have you ever had a tooth pulled? WOW it takes some welly!

About two years ago I tripped over a bicycle on the pavement (I admit I wasn't exactly sober but bicycles should at least be stored upright). I spat tooth segments a result. Sure, I should have gone to a dentist straight away, but these things can wait right?

WRONG. So last week I start with the toothache. My shatterered tooth has finally decided to go public. After seeing the dentist I'm told we can have it pulled... in THREE DAYS. Gee thanks.

Three joyous days later I'm in the dentist's chair. The nurse has never done this before (she's usually on reception) and has no idea what she's in for. The dentist spends about 20 minutes jamming a tyre lever into my upper jaw until it finally gives way with a satisfying crack, whereupon he fumbles it! I reflexively swallowed but the dentist thinks I'm choking so he pushes me up and starts with the Heimlich* maneuver, causing me to spew blood and ooze all over the chair and floor. The poor 'nurse' thought she'd killed me and had to go outside for a smoke.

*Many people believe that the Heimlich maneuver is named after Henry J Heimlich. In fact, 'Heimlich' is the sound required from the recipient. Upon having ones stomach violently crushed, one must produce the sound 'Heimlich! Heimlich!' repeatedly until the blockage is removed. Hence the name.

Sardinia

So here we are in Sardinia (or rather, just on the edge of it). Beautiful beaches and relatively free of English people. We had a lovely, untroubled week of swimming, sunbathing and fine dining, plus fun with phrasebooks.

Food was good. Avoided the Casu Marzu. Lots of pasta of course, and lots of seafood for Donna (not me, I don't dig on sea-monsters much). They do a local dessert called seadas which is best described as a cheese samosa covered in honey - not bad!
 
Here we see a gang of Sardinian hoodies loitering outside the one-stop:


Here's a pic of me looking confused by a fountain:

The beaches really are gorgeous. We tried a different one each day by hopping on the train or bus. There was a beach with pink sand up the coast a bit, but sadly we couldn't get to it. Here's my babe floating around off Golfo Aranci:

So yeah, lovely place for beaches without the club 18-30 crowd, and a great place to practice your language skills as even most of the tourists are Italian.

It's My Birthday...

...tomorrow!

I'll be 34, which is very nearly 35, which is half of three score and ten. Could be worse, it could be raining.

::checks weather forecast::

oh right, rain then. Never mind it's perfect weather today, and you've still got time to check out my wishlist before the big day! Those in the know will be at Mrs Fitzherbert's (next to the Mash Tun) in Brighton tomorrow from 4pm onwards.

Meanwhile here's what I looked like 30 years ago:



Much the same really, with funkier 70s trousers.

Mouse Invasion

Meet our new flatmate, Phillip, seen here relaxing in his pint glass. Seems the mice have heard what a good place this is and are trying to muscle in.

I received this pic from my other flatmate Lee last night. After being startled by Phillip in the kitchen a few nights ago he set out to apprehend the beast and has apparently been successful! Aw isn't he cute? Bet he's the one that's been eating my socks.

Orac

I have a decent computer of my own at last! Cute huh? He's only about the size of a small dog, like a yorkshire terrier maybe. Here's the basic specs for people who care (like me!): Athlon 64 3200+, Corsair 1024MB TwinX XMS 3200, 2 x Seagate Barracuda 160GB SATA II in RAID 0, Sony 16X x 16X DVD +/-R/RW Dual Layer. It's a lovely machine, and the most important thing is of course that it looks so cool :-) With the wireless broadband up and running too there's no longer any need for me to leave my room. Oh except to go to work I suppose.

The Duke no more

<- Keith can't believe the drinks are really free!

Yes the good old Duke of Wellington had one final night of old-school hard drinking and bad dancing on Saturday night, as it's changing hands shortly.

After 17 years of regular attendance I can't quite believe it's over. Never again shall we be told by Lee to 'drink up and fuck off'*

A concise history of me and the Duke:

1988 Get drunk in pub for first time, watching Miller play the guitar at the Duke every Wednesday.
1990? Brother Adam forms legendary band Stone House as the first of several line-ups to play the Duke in the hope of rock stardom and maybe impressing the girls.
1993? I destroy half of garden wall while climbing over it in order to avoid paying at the door. I never tell anybody about what I have done and feign alarm and surprise when the damage is pointed out to me.
1995 Rare video footage of Duke recorded in classic home movie 'The Good Years', published by Jude-Ra the Everliving.
2001 A space oddyssey. 'E's become prevalent, as does loud dance music and spontaneous hugging. Partying at the Duke reaches a new high.
2002 The come down. Duke closes it's doors for 18 months for a posh refit!

Add to that all the Christmas lock-ins, the Summer BBQs, the countless friends and acquaintances made, and the one thing that never changed - the Hardys! Cheers guys :-)



*never say never

Grizzly Man

There's a new film I have to see! Grizzly Man is a documentary by the awesome and slightly bizarre Werner Herzog. It's about a chap by the name of Treadwell who devoted his life to grizzly bears... and then they ate him. Check it out, sounds fascinating! Herzog was big in the new German cinema of the early 70s, and hasn't stopped filming in five decades. Check out the classic Aguirre, the Wrath of God, or Fitzcarraldo to name two of my favourites! Or for the truly strange, the superbly titled Even Dwarfs Started Small.

I'm so busy these days with work, studying for microsoft certs, the gym and of course OGame that I don't know when I'll find the time, but it looks like one not to be missed!

Nerdy gaming with OGame

Thanks to one of my colleagues at work, I have been diverting a lot of my attention lately to intergalactic empire building. OGame is as geeky a pasttime as ever was devised, and I make no apologies for loving this sort of thing :-)

The World Penguin...

...marches through space, bearing the world on his feet.

refer to comments on previous item in case you think I've gone mad

:-)

The Root of All Evil

Did anyone see 'The Root of All Evil' on Channel 4 last night? Richard Dawkins' 2-part programme attacking religion. I love the fact that such a programme can get broadcast on primetime terrestrial TV these days!

Dawkins has no qualms whatsoever about branding ALL faith as a dangerous way of non-thinking. Hear hear! No pussyfooting around! Unfortunately he's not likely to convert anyone. Despite the obvious rightness of his point of view, he is not the most charismatic of fellows, and becomes petulant when his (admittedly vile) interview subjects make absurd statements about creationism or whatever.

Pastor Ted Haggard, an American evangelical leader that he interviews, is so repugnant, stupid and aggressive he confirms Bill Hicks' observation that creationists are among the most 'unevolved' people around. This imbecile even dares to trot out the old 'how can an eye evolve purely by chance' argument. Duh! Not that I expect everybody to have an interest in evolution, but if you're going to attack the theory then you should have at least some vague idea what you're talking about.

As for the muslim guy that tells Richard 'If you are an atheist then what is to stop your women fornicating in the streets?'... words fail me.

Apparently the next part of the programme will go on to explain how religious education is akin to child abuse. Something tells me Channel 4's forums (fora?) are going to be a veritable inferno of angry god-botherers!

"Within each of us, ofttimes, there dwells a mighty and raging fury"

Had to be done! :-D

Is it xmas yet?

Check it out! I got a flat panel monitor for my desk. Isn't it beautiful? Everyone in the office would like one of these, but that's the beauty of being in the IT department isn't it? :-) We've got another 10 or so to hand out, but who should get them? There's only one way to settle this (see link).

My job's going from part time (2 days a week) to full time, yay! This means I will have more money for buying toys and visiting foreign parts in 2006! Shopping list: new computer, broadband, sound system, furniture, clothes, expensive shoes, trips to Spain, gym membership (yes gym membership!) and maybe a trip to Texas to visit my good friend Ben who's out there doing his PhD.

Anyway I should get on with some work if I want to keep this wonderful job. Unfortunately I have been hypnotized by this evil kitten.

Booze cruise

As Tim (pictured sprawled on floor) turned 33 on the 4th December we made the traditional channel crossing to Dieppe on Saturday, theoretically to buy cheese. High seas made for an entertaining trip, the high point for me being when Tim hurried over to say something, miscalculated and hurried straight past, into a table and three chairs. The French seemed unconcerned - presumably this is just something English people do.

We found time to nose around the Castle Museum, which has an impressive collection of non-PC ivory artifacts as well as many paintings of fish, so in theory we didn't do nothing but drink all day.

I did, however, forget the cheese.

Muggers in Shoreham

I was returning over the footbridge on Sunday night when I happened upon a fellow who said he'd just been mugged. He had a nasty lump on his head and a bloody nose. Two guys running off towards town had grabbed his iPod.

I was incensed, especially as I knew how he felt after the same thing had happened to me not so long ago. I ran after the pair and chased them up the road towards the Duke, and actually caught up to them (they must be very slow muggers!) They had the usual hoods up and one had a scarf over his face. The other was careful to cover his face with his hands. They looked about 15. Gah! 15 year old professional muggers in Shoreham? Since when?

Anyway, I told them they had to return the guy's property. They then suggested I buy it from them :-) No, that's not how it works kiddies, you give it back now, or you make a break for it and I try and stop you. Your choice. I couldn't resist emphasising my point by smacking my fist into my palm. Matt, the victim in this, had caught up as well and the kids were looking less confident. I took out my phone and dialled 999. 'You calling the police?' says Bugsy Malone. 'Well duh! What do you think?'

They started to run again so we kept after them, while talking to the police. Really kids these days are so slow! How could they not outrun us? In a panic they finally gave up and returned the iPod, and we let them get away. Matt was pleased to get his stuff back, and the police turned up 5 minutes later to take the details. On reflection, it's a pity we didn't grab hold of the little maggots until the police arrived, but at least they probably had a scare.

So listen, all you would-be mugger brats of Shoreham, mugging gets you nothing. Sooner or later (most probably sooner) you will get beaten up, imprisoned or both. Get a life!

My philosophy, rated

Someone's stolen my plug sockets! I got into work nice and early at 8am, only to find my computer doesn't work because it isn't plugged in, and it isn't plugged in because... the plug sockets have been stolen! Seriously, there used to be a panel in the floor with all my precious power and network connections, and now there's just an untouched carpet tile! It's a bit spooky. *sigh* Obviously there has been some kind of misunderstanding.

Anyway, I tried this quiz Lilly had on her blog:

You scored as Materialist. Materialism stresses the essence of fundamental particles. Everything that exists is purely physical matter and there is no special force that holds life together. You believe that anything can be explained by breaking it up into its pieces. i.e. the big picture can be understood by its smaller elements. Materialist 88% Modernist 75% Postmodernist 75% Cultural Creative 50% Idealist 44% Existentialist 38% Romanticist 31% Fundamentalist 31% What is Your World View? (updated) created with QuizFarm.com

Hmm, sounds a bit stark and scientisty. I agree with the above, but also hold that nothing is certain, everything is possible, and love can save the world, though I draw the line at the healing power of crystals. Sorry but if I've got a cold I'll take a lemsip over a lump of rose quartz any day. I should point out that I answered at least 50% of the questions with 'neither agree nor disagree', hence 31% fundamentalist! Yeah that's me, a dyed-in-the-wool fundamentalist!

I've just finished reading my first Iain M Banks book, Feersum Endjinn. Good fun, but I was actually expecting something even more out of this world! Probably been built up too much. Maybe his 'culture' novels are more what I was expecting. We'll see, I'll definitely be reading them at some point. As for the ending of Feersum Endjinn, it was a bit of a last minute dash round gathering loose ends. And what exactly does the 'Endjinn' do? Sure, leave it to the imagination. Thing is, I was really looking forward to finding out!!

Movie wise I must just quickly recommend Kung Fu Hustle. Funniest thing I've seen in years! Well, since Shaolin Soccer I guess (Stephen Chow's previous film). This guy's hilarious, and he really knows and loves film. He references everything from Casablanca to Spiderman and back to The Shining. The fight scenes involve over-the-top wirework and sfx mixed with classic Shaw brothers kung fu and a dash of the three Stooges. It's played for laughs, but is nonetheless hugely impressive.

Anyway, better get on with some work, and find those plug sockets!

My Life, Rated

It's Friday (yay) and I just don't have time to report on the many exciting adventures that occupy my time, so I'm posting a pre-packaged life analysis I nicked from Kieran's blog:

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.8
Mind:	7.1
Body:	8.6
Spirit:	4.5
Friends/Family:	3.4
Love:	0
Finance:	4.7
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

It's a bit suspect as according to the post test analysis I'm a bit of an athlete who needs to convert to Christianity or something. Oh, and join a dating agency apparently. Cheeky buggers.

Watchmen movie not happening

Sin City is released on DVD this coming Monday. There's a particularly lovely boxset which includes the three graphic novels that formed the script and storyboard for the film. What a movie! You'll find it on my wishlist, of course :-)

Speaking of comic adaptations, I see the Watchmen movie is officially dead (again), its official site now points to Paramount's home page and its listing is gone from IMDB. Just as well, it was going to be rubbish. Watchmen is too good to do a Constantine on. Constantine was fun so I didn't care that they messed with Hellblazer, but Watchmen is the apotheosis of the medium! It cannot be chopped, changed or condensed!

Here's the way to do it: A big budget 10 episode TV drama for the main story, interspersed with 9 half-hour segments in various styles such as documentary, chat show / interviews, news and even another TV show (Tales of the Black Freighter). If you know the comic, you'll know what I'm talking about. It'd be original, groundbreaking and totally unbelievably cool, just like the comic.

Must see movie of the moment: Hayao Miyazaki's latest, Howl's Moving Castle (Hauru no ugoku shiro), is showing at the Duke of York's from tomorrow. It's high time I saw some top notch anime on the big screen, now's my chance!

I got mugged...

Following a highly entertaining evening at a colleague’s flat-warming do, I decided about 4.30am that to remain any longer would only risk offending people. My manners start to deteriorate after a certain quantity of booze, and my sense of humour becomes infantile at best.

So I meandered into the early morning streets on Sunday 4th September 2005. The idea of immediately cycling the 5 miles home felt wrong, so I took a detour by way of Brighton beach. Perched on a wall outside the Gemini bar I was approached by two guys and a girl. The skinny white kid in a hoodie was after a smoke. I offered my pack and he accidentally took 6 or 7. This I could live with. I give up smoking every day so he was really doing me a favour. His female companion, an insane, amphetamine-fuelled, tiny blond girl, wondered if I had one for her too. I pointed out that her friend now had more than I did, so why not ask him?

When she asked the time I obligingly reached for my mobile (mug? me?) which she snatched from my grasp before I’d even activated the backlight, and scurried 20 yards to a group of several others camped around a bonfire.

Not yet grasping the futility of politely asking a dozen (I’m increasing the number as we go, OK?) hoodlums to return my property, I wearily trudged after her to do just that. The hoodie and his sidekick flanked me as I went, gently prodding me with their fingers – whether to encourage me or to make sure I was real I do not know.

By the bonfire I was in the middle of making a polite reasoned request to ‘crazy chick’ when someone tapped me unduly roughly on the face. As I lay face down on the pebbles examining the new, highly asymmetrical nature of my features and the pleasantly warm squirts of blood coursing down them, I felt what seemed like a dozen pairs of hands going through my pockets. There wasn’t room for all these hands at once so some of them beat me about the head to pass the time until their turn came around.

‘Time to go’, I figured, and crawled off through the crowd. Having dazedly reached ‘a safe distance’ I looked back and, feeling a rush of goodwill, offered them ‘the finger’. Amphetamine Annie considered this to be absolutely the last straw and came running after me to deliver a flurry of drug-dimmed blows amid yells of outrage at my rudeness. Too dazed to enter into a conversation I simply pointed to my gory mess of a face and suggested I’d had enough for now, and continued walking. At some point she must have tired, or maybe spotted something shiny, because the flapping limbs went away.

The rest of the story goes something like: find concerned citizen who calls police, accompany police to scene of crime, recover bike and credit card from idiots who are still there, ambulance, hospital, stitches, home.

So what did they get? An ancient Nokia mobile of the kind that most people now use as paperweights, approximately £1 in small change and a lottery ticket (which I now believe to be the winning ticket of course). I read in the papers that E’s are now selling for as little as 50p, so maybe they’ll be able to trade my mobile for one. Quite a haul.

What did I get? The best black eye of my life (fun for scaring passers-by and starting conversations in pubs), six stitches and a fractured orbital medial wall (what we doctors in fact call a ‘face bone’). My revenge plan is simple: Let them continue living their tiny miserable lives while I get on with more interesting things. Revenge is sweet!