Bun in the oven

Had my girlfriend scanned for life-forms today, and here's the result. Somewhat worringly, my offspring bears an uncanny resemblance to a certain Johnny Blaze:

Silence of the Fish

Made a gruesome discovery in the fishtank yesterday, or rather Donna did. Seems one of her two fantail goldfish was missing several vital organs - basically he was a head, tail and ribcage. The other fish was still swimming about 'like nothing's happened' (I think he was actually whistling).

A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver...

Today's Bible lesson

From 2 Kings:

2:23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 2:24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare* forty and two children of them.

* Tare: 1. to pull apart or in pieces by force, esp. so as to leave ragged or irregular edges.

Moral of this story: If you mock bald men, God will send mad she-bears to tear you limb from limb!

Gustave Dore captures the moment

Dentistry

So yeah, have you ever had a tooth pulled? WOW it takes some welly!

About two years ago I tripped over a bicycle on the pavement (I admit I wasn't exactly sober but bicycles should at least be stored upright). I spat tooth segments a result. Sure, I should have gone to a dentist straight away, but these things can wait right?

WRONG. So last week I start with the toothache. My shatterered tooth has finally decided to go public. After seeing the dentist I'm told we can have it pulled... in THREE DAYS. Gee thanks.

Three joyous days later I'm in the dentist's chair. The nurse has never done this before (she's usually on reception) and has no idea what she's in for. The dentist spends about 20 minutes jamming a tyre lever into my upper jaw until it finally gives way with a satisfying crack, whereupon he fumbles it! I reflexively swallowed but the dentist thinks I'm choking so he pushes me up and starts with the Heimlich* maneuver, causing me to spew blood and ooze all over the chair and floor. The poor 'nurse' thought she'd killed me and had to go outside for a smoke.

*Many people believe that the Heimlich maneuver is named after Henry J Heimlich. In fact, 'Heimlich' is the sound required from the recipient. Upon having ones stomach violently crushed, one must produce the sound 'Heimlich! Heimlich!' repeatedly until the blockage is removed. Hence the name.

Sardinia

So here we are in Sardinia (or rather, just on the edge of it). Beautiful beaches and relatively free of English people. We had a lovely, untroubled week of swimming, sunbathing and fine dining, plus fun with phrasebooks.

Food was good. Avoided the Casu Marzu. Lots of pasta of course, and lots of seafood for Donna (not me, I don't dig on sea-monsters much). They do a local dessert called seadas which is best described as a cheese samosa covered in honey - not bad! Speaking of dining out, is it normal for apparently on-duty police officers with holstered firearms to have a sit-down meal (with wine):

Hmm! Oh well, when in Rome. Not a fan of guns at the dinner table. Probably keeps the waiters on their toes mind you.

The Sardinian locals did not disappoint by keeping to my favourite mediterranean stereotypes. Here we see a gang of Sardinian hoodies loitering outside the one-stop:

These capped, medallioned and folded newspaper bearing little old men can be found clustered around benches and cafe tables discussing tomato sauce and gesticulating in pleasingly mafioso fashion. It's what I want to do when I grow up.

Here's a pic of me looking confused by a fountain:

And just to reiterate, the beaches really are gorgeous. We tried a different one each day by hopping on the train or bus. There was a beach with pink sand up the coast a bit, but sadly we couldn't get to it. Here's my babe floating around off Golfo Aranci:


So yeah, lovely place for beaches without the club 18-30 crowd, and a great place to practice your language skills as even most of the tourists are Italian.

publicons.de

Visit www.publicons.de and they'll make you a nifty sig that sums up your entire being in a few carefully chosen icons:



The sites in German, but don't let that stop you. 'Stier' means Taurus by the way (I think).

It's My Birthday...

...tomorrow!

I'll be 34, which is very nearly 35, which is half of three score and ten. Could be worse, it could be raining.

::checks weather forecast::

oh right, rain then. Never mind it's perfect weather today, and you've still got time to check out my wishlist before the big day! Those in the know will be at Mrs Fitzherbert's (next to the Mash Tun) in Brighton tomorrow from 4pm onwards.

Meanwhile here's what I looked like 30 years ago:



Much the same really, with funkier 70s trousers.